The Michael Jackson Dogma

Oh the pounding of Michael Jackson mania in the media!

I feel so damn conflicted. My feelings for Michael Jackson, the entertainer, go way, way back.












As a little girl, I mean a flat chested, baby doll, toothless little girl, I can remember pouring myself a bowl of 'A' is for 'Apple', 'J' is for 'Jacks'! Cinnamon toasty 'Apple Jacks'!, every Saturday morning and watching the Jackson 5 cartoon.

It was like A-B-C, and easy as 1-2-3. I loved the hijinx those crazy afro sportin' Jacksons found themselves in!
















Years later, after I discovered roller skates with hot pink pompoms tied on and Jolly Green Giant-sized dice that was thrown on the skating floor, I learned to get my groove on with 'I wanna rock with you!'. And I wanted to do it ALL NIGHT! I tried to fight it. but there ain't nothin that you can do. So I relaxed my mind, laid back and groove with mine.
I had to feel the heat,
And we can ride the boogie
Share (share) that beat of love...
Oh, and my innocent little Catholic school girl ass did! My heart was aflutter whenever this song came on and my crush of the moment asked me to "slow skate", with the lights dimmed and the disco ball spinning.













I mean, who wouldn't think this guy was totally adorable? Cute little tuxedo, leaning against a clearly "pretend graffiti" wall? I just knew he secretly had a copy of the preppy handbook, just as I did, and the kids at school called him Skippy.

















Later, when I was in high school, and MTV was just coming into its own, a new MJ arrived, looking a little bit different. I couldn't put my finger on it. Maybe he had lost a little weight?

It really didn't matter.

When I heard, and watched, 'Billy Jean', it was all over. It didn't even cross my mind that perhaps the sudden weight loss had shrunk MJ's nose. I just knew that Billy Jean was not my lover. And that I want to love you, PYT, Pretty Young Thang.

And oh, how I wish I knew how to record the 'Thriller' video on my Beta Max, so I could learn the entire dance! You know you did, too! I just couldn't get enough! My high school bestie and I (Jag) would spend every moment singing and dancing to his tape in our cars, boom boxes and by the pool, 20 foe.

Then he got the sparkly glove. And the matching socks.

Then he started showing up with a monkey and Brooke Shields.

Don't let my preppy Polo shirt fool you. I secretly wanted to believe he was having wild monkey virgin sex. But deep down, I knew something was up. Lisa Marie didn't fool me for a minute.

Ok, maybe half a minute.

Then he started showing up with little boys. A lot.

And there were lawsuits, that he settled for $20 million dollars. He also admitted he sees nothing wrong with sleeping with little boys.

You know, I know this guy had a rough childhood and he never really got the chance to be a real boy. I know that deep in his heart, he feels like a child.

But he's not.

The conflict. Yet I can't help but jump up and dance ANYTIME I hear one of his songs, EVER. A smile permeates my face and I have no control of the joy each song brings me.
I guess I'm not going to question it any longer. I'm going with the joy. I'm going to leave it at simply joy, and move on. Are you ok with that, Baby Jesus?

The Anniversary Post: It's Finger Lickin' Good

I completely forgot to report on the Anniversary Post in June!

It happens that the Gray Fox and

I celebrated our anniversary with the newly Coug-a-fied Cougie Kitten and her husband.

Oh, what fun. At least, as far as I can remember.

We decided to celebrate at Steve Field's Steak and Lobster Lounge, and we completely gorged ourselves on...you guessed it! Steak and lobster. Steve was there and treated us with a Jolly Green Giant-sized slice of every dessert in the house!

After dinner, we went into the piano bar and spotted the tannest Grougar, like, ev-uh! Cougie Kitten and I chased her into the bathroom and pretended to be taking photos of ourselves.

Think she noticed?

I'm sure you'd like to see the front view, right?

Mmmmmmm! Extra crispy, finger lickin' good! I'm thinking a cross between the old lady from 'Something About Mary' and Mrs. Roper from 'Three's Company'. And how classic is the 'No Smoking' sign behind her? We ALL know those fluorescent, hot pink fingernails are holding a Virginia Slims Menthol cig in one hand and a dirty martini in the other, poolside, 20-foe!

Is this the future Scandy?

Yeah, my pasty white ass has some catchin' up to do...

Late Night at the Lake is a 'Family Tradition'

Awww, in order to gain closure with the end of an era, I really must post one last Grand Lake memory:

After a night at Ugly's, the party's not quite over. If we're all sportin' glow-in-the-dark necklaces, we will do one of the following:

1. Secretly put glowing necklaces on lame, sleeping spouses
2. Secretly put glowing necklaces on 'Wild Spouse' club members who were "too tired" to make it out! C'mon, Grandaddy! Get with the program!But the best was the time when my Aunt President and I "suggested" that her then teenage son, Skippy, put his necklace around our sleeping grandmother, 'Ginny from the Block' (she used to have a little, but now she has alot). To say that my Italian/Cherokee Indian Grandmother is the ruler and matriarch of the family, well, you just go ahead and try and cross her! She's brought many a grown man to tears!Is that a glowing necklace in her hand? Well, legend has it that someone offered the young Padawan, Skippy, a few Ben Franklins to sneak one around Ginny from the Block's neck, and, being a naiive and foolish, lad...

Hell, just look at him with a lit Roman candle in his mouth, the young apprentice took the bait! Luckily, Ginny from the Block follows the old-school, Italian grandmother philosophy that grand kids can do no wrong. She took the glowing necklace at 3 am, thanked little Skippy, and was wearing it the next morning at breakfast! Don't be fooled by the rocks that she's got! She's still, she's still Ginny from the Block!

And, as long as we're talkin' bout history, there was one time, long, long ago, when our Founding Father, Uncle Sam/Pyro Daddy, was persuaded by his wife, Poltergeist, not to partake in the annual Ugly's outing. There was no need to sneak into his cabin and wrap him with glowing necklaces, because, hell, he's wearing those 20-foe! So Aunt President and I decided to wrap his cabin, with t.p., instead! The next morning, Poltergeistoh, here she is, she came down to the Big House for breakfast. She glared at Aunt President and I and said, "Don't think I don't know who tee-peed our house!"
Who? Us? As if!


Habeeb and my bro, Johnny Knoxville, don't look like they're ready for any fun, do they?



Late night is time for Pool Party Shenanigans.

First, my cousin 'Habeeb' does a little show for us. He loves to incorporate the massive supply of glowing necklaces we always have on hand.

He may do a "throw down" light show like this:
















Or, he may wrap the necklaces around his neck, wrists, ankles and head and do a Richard Simmon/Olivia Newton John-'Let's Get Physical'-type routine, which is fag-u-lously done by a large man.

Here he is, perched on a little bench, grabbing his delicate privates, doin' his thang!



















After the performance, Habeeb wows us all with his amazing belly flop.
Does the dude get great air, or what?
His landing nearly takes out his wife (or at least floods her beer with pool water)

But, do we look like we care if there's a little chlorine in our brewsky?
Let's call this photo 'Super Sober Scandy'!



Next, he leaves us with no doubt as to why he's known throughout the entire Ketchum metroplex as the "Grand Lake Tsunami"! B-r-r-r-r-ing it! Or, after his Richard Simmons act, maybe we should re-name him 'Brokeback Tsunami'?








At the end of the night, we sit around the pool singing family favorites, like, Merle Haggard's 'Family Tradition' ("Why do we drink? Why do we roll smoke? Why must we live out the songs that we wrote?"), or my Cinco de Daddy's favorite line "I have loved some women! And I have loved Jim Bean! But they both tried to kill me! In 1973!"). "Cinco", fyi, because Daddy's been married 5 times.

Finally, as the sound of the last Black Cat fireworks begins to fade into the wee hours of the morn, we all break out into Jimmy Buffet's 'Why Don't We Get Drunk, and Screw!' along with the CD player. Sometimes, I look around and notice I'm singing it with not only the Gray Fox, but Daddy, my bro, cousin Habeeb, his wife, and my bro-in-law, Gambler! For a split second, I ponder, "Is this some weird shit?". But then I sing, "If I get drunk and sing all night long, it's a, Family Tradition!"


BTW,
I am back from the NYC/St. Michaels/DC adventure. I'm doing my best to gather my strength and get the photos uploaded. We have LOTS to talk about...

What Happens at Ugly's...

One constant at the lake house in Ketchum, Oklahoma is family night at Ugly's. A night at Ugly's has a 100% chance of getting U-G-L-Y. There's no gray area here (like on my baby daddy's head). As a charter member of the 'Wild Spouses Club', (along with my Aunt President), we used to personally select the "wildest" spouses to attend the annual Ugly's Field Trip night. But through the years, our club's founding father, Uncle Sam/Pyro Daddy (Scandy's Daddy), has eased up the requirements and we let the Gray Fox and others come with us, sometimes. Hell, Daddy's been married 5 times, so he's pretty easy with "rules".

The evening starts with us all piling in my Granddaddy's Pimp Van, and I do mean pile and pimp. Here's my cousin, Slut Muffin, crammed into the floor of the Pimp Van. She and her gangsta boyfriend, Crips, are packin' roadies (cocktails in to-go cups), so they immediately won bonus points from the party's Founding Father.

I jump in the party barge and get the "members" in the mood with my latest gangsta rap mix. New member "Raquel" (that's pronounced "Rock-hell"!), knew just what to do when 'Shake Your Money Maker' started playing. Raquel is my sis-in-law, and my bro Johnny Cochran's baby mama.
Apparently, the Gray Fox's photog skills go to hell when he's crammed in a pimp van and holding a "roadie", but this is me and "Raquel"doin' our part to get the party started!
Here's the gang arriving at Ugly's. Check out the variety of cars parked in the lot. We're talkin' pick-ups, pimp vans, dump trucks and 18 wheelers! Suhhhh-weeeeeeet! Luckily, Rock-hell is pulling up the rear with her gansta moves, letting all of Ketchum know who's in da house!

As we approach the entrance, Uncle Sam, in full costume, starts pointing to bikini clad collegians and redneck devotees, exclaiming, "I want you!". They all (bikinis and rednecks alike) giggle and rush up to him to be a part of his Founding Father Party "Aura".
Once inside, Uncle Sam/Pyro Daddy beckons us all to get our Pink Thang's frozen, and we obey.
And then, without warning, tequila shots always seem to appear, as if some Jose Cuervo-looking ancient ancestor beamed them down from the heavens. "No, no", we all bemoan, yet, somehow, none of us wants to let these ancient ancestors, and our Founding Father, down. So we lick our salt, shoot our tequila (out of plastic NyQuil cups) and we all hit the dance floor!
And, before you can say, "Independence Day", (which can be difficult after a big "roadie", Pink Thang and tequila shots), Uncle Sam is on stage with the band, doin' his thang!

First, he rubs each knee, strokes his "beard" and pumps his fists,














then, just to mix it up a bit, instead of using the usual 2-fingered "mystery" swipe over each eye, (John Travolota 'Pulp Fiction' style), Uncle Sam/Pyro Daddy changes it to a 3-fingered swipe, and makes it his own! Br-r-r-r-ing it, Daddy! Trivia Question: What is the significance of 3 fingers?Finally, he points to strategic audience members and exclaims his mantra, "I want you!"



Go Uncle Sam! Go Uncle Sam! We gonna partay! Like it's your Independence Day Birthday!


Yep, our Founding Father inspires each of us to get the spirit!

Oh, don't ya worry! We only let Baby Doll go to 'Ugly's' during daylight hours, and we only let her exclaim the "I want you!" mantra to her grilled cheese and cherry coke!






















Yeah, we all attempt to imitate the master.

Nice try, oh Gray One.













But even his 2 male spawn, Johnny Cochran on the left and Johnny Knoxville on the right, can't quite compete.
And, sadly, each year, some neophyte attempts to hang with the "Wild Spouse Club" members, and has to be dragged home by Uncle Sam's patriotic home girls. Membership Denied!But, at the end of each annual Club meeting, we are always so grateful to have our numero uno honorary Club member who is naturally high on life, baby! And her name is Beyonce Gail! As we head back to the Pimp Van, and all the way back home, we all chant, "We love Gail! She keeps us out of jail!". We always seem to have some followers, trailing behind us, asking if they can come with us.

Beyonce always is polite, smiles for the photo op, then responds, "Hell no!", then we all pile back into the pimp van, and she burns rubber, shag carpet flying off the gravel road...
Yep, another success story at the Lake 'O the Cherokees.

4th of July Dripping Springs Flashback

No trip to Grand Lake o' the Cherokees would be complete without a few times of droppin' anchor, tying up with some friends, and drinkin' some cold beer.

First, we load the boat with all the supplies and all our "peeps" and we're off.


We may have a few "casualties" along the way, but we all know to take it in stride.

Besides, there's always someone, wide awake, ready to get it started!


What's that you're singing, Princess Baby?

"Can I buy you a drank? (I'ma take you home with me!). I got money in the bank...."








You think these girls are up to any trouble?

Oh, yeah! It's on!

If we're looking for a mellow scene, we just might head over to 'Party Cove'.

Despite the obvious name, 'Party Cove' is pretty chill. Not too crowded, clean, and the kids can swim in a pretty safe environment.

This particular trip had 2 notable sightings:

First, the butt-thong-wearin' Sea Doo girl. Wait, girl is definitely not the correct term to describe this gal. I'm gonna say "chick", because she is clearly a 40+ woman and from the amount of hail damage/cottage cheese on her ass and thighs, she is is in definite violation for thinking she could pull off a thong!!!
I really didn't have time to edit and zoom in on this pic, but you'll just have to trust me on this one! I'm sure the rest of the group would concur!
Wake up! Right guys?

The next sighting was mullet-head Kenny Rogers. FYI, I have an on-going "best mullet" competition going with Gray Fox, Gambler and MJ. I've spotted baby mullets, girl mullets, even old granny mullets. But on this particular day, it was Kenny Rogers mullet.
As he headed toward our anchored boats, George Hamilton yelled out, "Hey, Kenny!". Then I led everyone in singing, "You gotta know when to hold 'em! Know when to fold 'em!..." Before long, we had multiple boats singing along. Kenny just waved and seemed to mumble, "Drunk smart asses!" I love me some Kenny Rogers mullet head! Now, if we're feeling a little more frisky, and nostalgic, we're most def heading to the infamous 'Dripping Springs'! Yesteryear would find me and my bros with Daddy (sometimes married, sometimes divorced), tying up with his lake friends right in front of the Dripping Springs cliffs.
Here's an old school pic of the scene. Now, see the cliffs on the right? Men, women and children alike would climb the rocky, steep path on the left to the top and slide down on their booties to the edge and jump. My ever cautious Daddy would always insist that we kids always wear a "ski belt" (no, not life jacket; I'm talkin' the old school, 4" strip of styrofoam that we used to tie around our waists to keep us "safe" in the water).

Around the late 70's, a new trend emerged at Dripping Springs where girls would remove their tops before jumping in. Later, it progressed to girls (and sometimes misguided "boys") removing their entire bathing suits. All the anchored and tied together boat partiers would honk and cheer their approval or disapproval.

This ritual became so popular, that the cove was packed every weekend. I mean, you could literally walk, boat to boat from one end of the cove to the other. This was a great party scene for me as a teen/college student.
Here I am with my cousin NigNog, circa early 80's.

During this time, my Dad was the center ring leader of this scene. First, he was the original Dripping Springs Partier (DSP) to own a battery powered blender. Little bros, how many battery blender margs did you make for Daddy and his friends as a child?

But Daddy was also a HUGE innovator. He was also the first DSP to own a full-on video camera. I'm talkin' the original video camera. Here's your visual. Let's see, imagine one of those small, rolling suitcases you see at the airport. No, not the one that could fit under a seat, the next size larger. Now, imagine hoisting it on your shoulder and start shooting film!

Now my Daddy was the ORIGINAL 'Girls Gone Wild' film franchise! The man had no idea what kind of a gold mine he had! Still has! The only problem, as I see it (after viewing some of Daddy's old footage every 4th of July reunion), is the change in personal "grooming" habits of the female participants. The old school girls sported the full-on "bush"/au natural look, with a pubic afro spanning from one pelvic bone to the other. Naked girls you see today are going for the bare, 9-year-old girl pubic area.

Eventually, the naked debauchery got way too out of hand, and they banned people from naked leaping.

Fast forward to last week: the wild party is still on, only it's taken on a little Mardi Gras feel during the Independence Day holiday.

First, there's a boat parade in the cove, headed by a Yacht known as 'King Cracker'. 'King Cracker's' crew of scantily clad women and fat old men carry mass supplies of beads they throw to the locals. Sometimes you have to earn 'em, sometimes you don't. For the most part, we cruise in, find our spot to anchor, and do our patriotic "thang".

We certainly dress the part!
Even Gambler is doin' his patriotic thang. Only, what's with the cheese coozie?


Don't ya worry. Baby Doll and her sweet little cousin, Pay-Pay (spawn of Gambler and MJ) didn't earn these beads the hard way!

And don't you worry about me and MJ! Nobody refuses a gansta housewife's request for beads!

But, I'm really not at liberty to say how the Gray One earned his strand...
And what's he grinning at? Things are pickin' up in the "Springs".
A little bit of this...Oh, wait. I see what caught the Gray Fox's eye!


Gray Fox loves him some Juicy!


















Oh, look!
(Wiping a small tear from my eye), a boat reminiscent of my childhood! It's called 'Flip Flops and No Tops'. You know, you may be wondering how my photog skills have so suddenly been improving during this particular writing. Truth is that my Daddy had recently passed the DSP photog duties over to my cousin, Habeeb, who happens to have made a professional career out of photography in Cali.






The true test came when Daddy tossed some beads to a young, boat-dancing vixen.



Huh, beads? What do I do for these?







Oh, are these 2 things involved in your bead tossin' transaction, Uncle Sam Daddy and Apprentice Habeeb?


















There she goes!

4th of July, Supersized Scandy Style

Tomorrow is the 4th of July, and anyone who knows me, Scandy, knows what I have done every 4th of July since my Scandalous entry on God's earth, in the land o' the Cherokees. I've been at the family lake compound at Grand Lake o' the Cherokees. It's been my family's own little Redneck Kennedy haven.

Until this year. My grandparents are getting older, and just don't want to keep up with property, so they've loaded up the truck and moved to Hilton Head Island. And the rest of the family has decided to sell, also.

It's a sad, sad, weekend. We're all trying to console ourselves this week on the Eastern shore, so I'd like to pay homage to the greatest 4th of July memories, like, EV-UH! Stay tuned for the thrilling recaps for the next few days.

Just try and top it... I dare ya...

I've been at my family's lake house for the past week. We've had a family reunion every 4th of July weekend for as long as I can remember, and I've pretty much spent every summer weekend there as a child.

The Lake for my family is kinda like a redneck Vegas: what happens there, stays there, and/or is told on the Scandalous Housewife Blog. It's really a time when you can totally relax, be yourself, eat, drink and be merry."MC, get your little cousin out of that Brazilian choke hold, and Baby Doll, don't kick your brother in the family jewels".

Here are a few things that I can guar-on-tee will happen when my fam gets together for the 4th:

The girls wearing various forms of themed cowgirl hats? Check.









Boating:

This is an activity I prefer to do as a passenger, and preferably with a beer in my hand. Here I am with Baby Doll and Aunt President.















And with our boating comes some beer drinkin!










Hey, there's MJ with Polo and George Hamilton! MJ, toss me one of those cold brews!




You say you only have some Coronas? That's ok. I'll just pop the cap off with my new flip flops with a built-in bottle opener...





What? You don't have a pair of beer openin' flip flops? Hello! They come in fashionable colors for both men and women and are available at Nordstrom.com. Get on it!















There will also be a lot of swimming at the lake.


And, again, drinks are mandatory.












While in the pool, you can be damn sure there will be a late night party,








complete with music (old school country and/or gansta rap), chicken fighting,
















and cannon ball contest. It doesn't matter if you're in swimsuit or not, no one in the fam can resist the taunting challenge of everyone chanting, "Can-non ball! Can-non ball!"


















There will also be many a trip to 'Ugly's', both in the daytime,


























and at night.


















Uncle Sam, aka 'Daddy', will be there, fo' show!

















Don't you just know there'll be a trip to Dripping Springs! Here's an old school pic of the Springs from the 80's. More details to come...

And fireworks? Are you kiddin? When my Daddy isn't accosting young women as Uncle Sam (pointing at bikini clad college girls, saying, "I want you!", just like the famous poster), he becomes what I affectionately refer to as "Pyro Daddy", and nearly blows his hand off with his nightly fireworks displays.

But family members just smile, pretending not to be frightened of the blow torch he carries in one hand and the glass of scotch he's balancing in the other.













I mean, just look at my cousin, 'Habeeb'.
He is perfectly well adjusted after years of "special training" by my Pyro/Uncle Sam Daddy.


















Really, we all are.

















Just be sure not to spill Pyro Daddy's scotch, MC!




















Really, it's ok to carry dangerous explosives around, kids, while simultaneously carrying a lit punk in your teeth, a barbecue lighter, and a cocktail, but...














spilling Pyro Daddy's drink will result in a stern lecture!

And, let there be no doubt that the guys will play a few rounds of golf on the Dam Course! No, it's not the 'Damn' course, it's literally the 'Dam' course, located at the dam. Gray Fox loves him some Dam Course and some Dam shirt!

















Mmmmm, Cousin Skippy! Tell us more about the good food at the lake...



Mmmmm, yes. There's more, so stay tuned!

Start Spreading Your Legs

I mean, the news. I'm leaving today.

I'm in NYC, bishes, then it's off to St. Michaels and the Eastern shore for a week with the fam. I'll miss you, really. Keep the porch light on for me 'til next week...

XXXOXXXO,

Scandy